What’s up Guys!

Today I bring you a location review of Hoi An, Vietnam. Hoi An is a small town about 30 minutes down the coast from Da Nang. Be sure to read my review of Da Nang if you haven’t already.

I spent some time in Hoi An while I was living in Da Nang. It’s a beautiful little town and one of the nicest places I’ve been in Vietnam. Let’s get into it.

Hoi An, Vietnam – Women Rating 3/5

Hoi An has a lot of cute girls. They’re everywhere! It’s a tourist town that’s packed with clothing shops, cafes, restaurants and hotels. Guess who makes up 95% of the employees there? That’s right, cute girls in their twenties.

You wont find many stunners in Hoi An but there are plenty of cute, sweet traditional Vietnamese girls. The types that would make excellent girlfriends or wives. Since most of them work in the hospitality industry there’s a lot of girls who speak good English as well. I’m burnt out on the google translate dates myself.

Prior to your trip you should set up some dates with girls on Vietnam Cupid and Asian Dating. Be sure to read my post How To Hook Up With Girls in Vietnam. There’s also plenty of opportunities to meet girls during the day while walking around.

I met several cute girls during my stay in Hoi An. One girl worked at a restaurant where I went to eat every day. This girl was super shy and spoke no English at all… I mean nothing. Just hello, goodbye, thank you.

I managed to get her number and we talked back and forth using google translate. She said she wanted to meet one night after work. I wasn’t in the mood for a long boring date so I just invited her straight to my room and gave her the address. Sure enough, she was standing outside my hotel 15 minutes later! 😀

Once inside we really couldn’t communicate so I just went for the kiss… Minutes later I was balls deep bare back in her tight Asian pussy. Great fun! I guess she was curious about riding the great white buffalo so I made her fantasy come true. 😉

I gave her the slow stroke for about three minutes and I couldn’t hold out any longer… I released my load deep inside her tight little pussy. Good thing I got the snip! Best money I ever spent. 😀

She was so tight she had her nails dug into my back the whole time. That shit really hurt and I was bleeding afterwards.

We met several more times after that. Always the same routine. She would come over after work, no talking, just get naked. Perfect! 😀

Hoi An is a small town. It’s certainly not the place to party and bang a bunch of chicks. But there are cute girls all over the place and I would get several phone numbers every day.

There are A LOT of tourists in Hoi An so you will not be something special and exotic to the locals there. However, most tourists pass through town in a few days. If you stick around for a while you can easily find a good Vietnamese girlfriend who is cute, smart and hard working.

Fucking White Pussy in Hoi An, Vietnam

If you’re into white chicks then you can easily bang out some tourists in Hoi An. I’m not into them, but I did see them walking around looking all fat and sweaty drinking Saigon beers. I’d imagine they would be eager to ride some dick during their holiday.

It’s not for me… When I see some fat sun burnt white chicks with tangled up greasy hair and elephant print pants talking about how much they are paying for their hostel – I run in the opposite direction.

There are also a lot of cute Asian tourists there. Korean girls are smokin hot and they always roll in packs. These Korean broads are model hot… Decked out in the latest fashions. Long slim white legs. I swear I would pay good money just to tongue their tight little asses. 😀 I will cream pie my way through Korea someday… Stay tuned for that.

Mongering in Hoi An, Vietnam

If you are looking for some pay for play action then you will be disappointed in Hoi An. There’s no such action. It’s a place to bring your girlfriend for a nice getaway, not a place to booze it up and go whore mongering.

I was going to rate Hoi An a 4/5 because of all the cute girls there but I had to knock it down a point because of the mongering scene. I need SOME options available for a quick release. Give me a dirty hot toc, a few freelancers roaming the bars, something!

I got a massage almost daily while I was there and only once did I succeed in getting extras. Asking an old Vietnamese lady to jerk me off and getting refused made me realize just how sick and perverted I am.

I was sincerely surprised when I got refused… You mean a hand job isn’t a standard part of the massage? Since when??! What is the world coming to?!! This is Asia god damn it! 😀

In summary, forget about mongering in Hoi An. Bring a date, find a date there or just forget it and enjoy the atmosphere for a few days. Women Rating 3/5

Hoi An, Vietnam – Cost of Living 5/5

Hoi An is dirt cheap. Same as most of Vietnam. Delicious food is $1.50 on the street. Beers are 50 cents. Tailor made clothing is a bargain. A comfortable hotel room can be had for $10 a night.

One could live a very comfortable life in Hoi An for $1,000 per month. That’s living in a decent house and taking care of your girlfriends expenses too.

Hoi An is small and somewhat boring so there’s really nothing to spend money on… No night clubs, no mongering, not much fine dining. It’s a great place to lay low and grind online while staying out of trouble. 5/5


Hoi An, Vietnam – Quality of Life Rating 4/5

Hoi An is a fantastic place to live. The town itself is absolutely beautiful. There’s a lot of history there in Hoi An and I really enjoyed walking around and seeing the sites.

The main attraction in Hoi An is the “Ancient Town” which was a popular trading port in the region where Chinese, Japanese, Indians and Europeans met to do business. The old town is very well preserved and it’s now a UNESCO world heritage site. It’s a great place to walk around and take pictures, especially at night when the city is lit up with lanterns.

The old town is blocked off from traffic which is a refreshing break from the madness. Here you can roam the streets with no horns honking or retarded motorbike drivers running you off the road. Instead you will have to maneuver your way around tourists taking group pictures. Not sure which is worse.

The old city is beautiful, but most definitely a tourist trap. I wouldn’t hang out there every day but it is interesting to walk around amongst the crowds, shop for some tailor made clothing and enjoy the local cuisine.

Hoi An is Vietnam’s Disneyland

Hoi An is remarkably clean and safe. Of course, it’s still Vietnam so watch your wallet and lock up your bike at night… And there’s still enormous rats and roaches everywhere… But it’s way less intense then other cities in Vietnam.

In fact, if my family came to visit Vietnam I would recommend they go to Hoi An. It’s a very non threatening place for beginner travelers.

The old city reminds me of Disney land. There’s families walking around smiling, eating ice cream, taking pictures. I enjoy the grit and grime of the bigger cities but I understand why most people can’t stand it.

If someone is new to Asia, sending them to walk around Saigon is like throwing them to the sharks… They would certainly be overwhelmed by the attack on their senses and leave vowing to never return. Hoi An on the other hand, would be a pleasant experience for them.

Shopping in Hoi An, Vietnam

Really this deserves its own post but I’ll just say that Hoi An is the best place in south east Asia to go shopping. There are litteraly thousands of tailor shops, shoe makers and leather shops lining every street.

I’ll never understand why they pile similar businesses on top of each other like that… But who cares? It means cheaper prices for us!

Of course, I couldn’t resist getting a bunch of clothes made while I was there. $40 each for pants and shirts. Custom shoes for $60. I just showed them pictures of some high end shoes and they copied them. Sure they look kind of crappy but hey, they’re good enough for my needs and I get a lot of compliments (and pussy 😉 ).

Read my post about buying tailor made clothes in Bangkok. Most of the tips apply here as well. Be sure to leave yourself enough time to get clothes made. I always had to go for multiple fittings before things were perfect.

Of course, they are always happy to fix anything and make you happy. It was a great experience shopping in Hoi An and I’d say they’re better then the tailors in Bangkok.

It’s hard to find clothing here that fits a tall, well hung foreigner. Off the rack clothing sucks. Tailor made is the only way to go! Bring some extra cash and get some new threads when you visit Hoi An.

The Worst Drivers in Vietnam

If you’ve been to Vietnam then you know how chaotic the traffic can be. Well I’d like to report that Hoi An has the most retarded drivers in all of Vietnam. Yes, even worse then Saigon.

Hoi An is a small town so the traffic is never bad, but the drivers are all fuckin morons. It’s like someone took a bunch of blown out shitty motorbikes, handed them out to a bunch of retards and told them to go play in the streets.

No working headlights, tail lights or turn signals. No mirrors. Obnoxiously loud exhaust belching out smoke. Big floppy hat giving them tunnel vision (they never look anyways).

Riding on the wrong side of the road, helmet unbuckled, picking their nose. Screaming into their $2 Nokia phone while they blow through red lights.

Everyone blows red lights and everyone jumps the lights early. So there’s always some near death collisions in the intersections.

People will ride side by side in groups of four taking up the whole street while talking to each other. Can’t you just fuckin drive? Chat when you get to the café or wherever you’re going.

People will drive down a quiet street holding down on their horn… When they are the only one on the street… These people absolutely love their horns and they never miss an opportunity to honk the fuckin thing.

The shit I witnessed in Hoi An was beyond belief… And I’ve been in Asia for years now. I don’t understand why having your helmet unbuckled is a cool fashion statement there?

If you’re going to wear the stupid fuckin thing then at least buckle it up. If you crash, the helmet will fly off and your skull will crack open on the pavement. Oh well, maybe it’s natures way of eliminating the stupid.

I’ve seen people with unbuckled helmets holding their helmet down so it doesn’t fly off their head at high speeds… Retard. I’ve seen a guy holding his unbuckled helmet strap while riding because it was slapping him in the neck… Retard.

I understand there are cultural differences around here but I cannot tolerate stupidity. OK rant over.

Besides being retarded drivers, the people in Hoi An are very friendly and outgoing. Many times I was approached by locals on the beach who wanted to chat. “Where are you from? What do you think of my Hoi An? Sit down, drink a beer with us!”

That’s what I like best about Vietnam. The people. Yes a lot of them are thieves who should be shot dead, but the majority are super friendly and curious about foreigners.

Everywhere I go I get a warm welcome from the locals. They are very proud of their country. They love it and they want you to love it too! This is why I love Vietnam!

The Best Food in Vietnam

Vietnam has the best food in the world… Hoi An has the best food in all of Vietnam… I know that’s a bold statement but it’s true. Just looking at that picture is making me want to fly back! 😀

They have several signature dishes that you can not find anywhere else in the country. Cao Lau is a noodle soup with pork and vegetables. Mi Quang noodles is a similar dish with rice noodles, pork, shrimp, qual eggs and vegetables. Be sure to try the Hoi An style Com Ga (Rice Chicken) as well.

I gained some weight during my time there. There’s great little restaurants everywhere. The food is cheap, fresh and delicious.

Night Life in Hoi An, Vietnam

Hoi An almost scored a perfect 5/5 for quality of life but I must knock it down a point because of the night life… There is none. Sure there are some bars where you can have some cheap beers with a bunch of back packers but that’s not my scene.

Most nights I would just have dinner and drink a few beers at a restaurant along the riverside. It’s definetaly not the place for party animals. The streets are pretty much empty after 11:00pm.

This could be a positive thing depending on your lifestyle. I’m an alcoholic and a whore monger so Hoi An was a good getaway for me. It forced me to go to sleep early and save money. I got a bunch of work done and read a few books during my stay.

If you aren’t into nightlife, and you just want to date a sweet Vietnamese girl then Hoi An is a great place to live. One of the best places I’ve been to in Asia to be honest.

One good thing is it’s only a 30 minute ride from Da Nang.  The road is nicely paved and there is never any traffic. You could easily go to Da Nang for the night if you miss the bright lights of the big city. I drove back and forth several times no problem.

My strategy for living in Hoi An would be find a sweet Vietnamese girlfriend, rent a house so she could cook me delicious healthy meals every day. Focus on my fitness and business goals. Enjoy swimming at the beach every day.

At night I would have dinner and drinks with my sweet girlfriend then take a walk along the river side. Then we would go home early and enjoy a quiet romantic evening together. 😀

The Beaches in Hoi An

When I wasn’t drinking coffee, grinding on my business, eating noodles or chasing sexy Vietnamese girls, I was at the beach.

The beaches in Hoi An are beautiful. There are places to eat fresh seafood barbeque right on the sand, drink some beers or get a massage. You can also find quiet stretches of beach where it’s just a handful of smiling fishermen tending to their nets and wooden boats.

There are no big resorts that kill the vibe like in Da Nang. It’s a very relaxing environment there. You can also take a day trip out to the beautiful Cham Islands. Fantastic way to spend the day with your buddies or a girlfriend.

Hoi An is a beautiful place and quality of life is excellent there. 4/5



Women – 3/5

Cost of Living – 5/5

Quality of Life – 4/5

Hoi An, Vietnam – Single Man’s Paradise Rating 12/15

If you are looking to live in a charming, laid back town then Hoi An is a great option. It’s cheap, the food is amazing and the crime rate is relatively low for Vietnam.

Hoi An has beautiful beaches, friendly locals and sweet girls who always seem to be smiling. Life is good! 😀

It’s a bit too small and quiet for me to live there long term but I will definitely go back to visit. If you don’t care about mongering and nightlife, then it could be paradise for you.