What’s up all you single adventure doggies? Swiss coming at you here with a quick reality about the tropical atoll Siargao Island in The Philippines.Β Life out in the outer atolls of the Philippines is a whole different ball game to big city life in the Philippines.

Let me paint you a picture of a tropical breeze….crystal clear blue waters, Coconuts everywhere. Cock monkeys dangling out of the palm trees. Cock monkeys frolicking in the calm blue waters…..waiting….just waiting for an intrepid young gentleman to service them on the coconut expressway.Β oooooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaΒ Are you ready to power up?

Expat Life In The Philippines

Siargao Island is your stereotypical tropical island paradise. But it’s not all coconut palms and jungle bunnies. Outside the lush beachfront areas and tropical resorts there are sprawling slums……canals filled with trash and all the perks of 3rd world living.

That also means there’s a local populace constantly turning out fresh 18 year old meat for the gringo barbecue! Due to their poor diet and excessive partying they either get married off or age fast around these parts. So you want to focus on the 18 to 22 year age bracket.

Even if you`re a seedy old reptile trawling the Philippines this shouldn’t be a problem. I saw and/or heard of numerous young fillies with an old grandpa boner at her side to stuff her wallet and orifices with god knows what!

Ok…..so I’m starting to ramble! I do that! This is meant to be a location review. So first I’ll give you a quick break down of what goes on in the island. Where to eat. A few strategies for the girls. etc etc

So first things first……Siargao is a tourist destination because of it’s world class surf. With the surfers came the drugs, the parties and the corruption of the local youth. Asians seem to have a knack for taking the negatives out of foreign cultures. lol.

However the island is rampant with young sluts that get a real taste for gringo cock. If you’re not a surfer don’t come here in surf season. Especially September to November. The local girls think surfing is ‘cool’ and you’ll have to compete with hoards of young surfers all on the hunt for some yellow tail!

The good news is most of the year the surf is crap in Siargao……so during these months there are copious amounts of young fevers desperate for a break from their putrid meals of rice and pig slops in their family homes… Get her to go to dinner with you and buy her a drink and a 3 to 6 dollar meal and she will be yours all night!

It might not seem like much to you but keep in mind these people are extremely impoverished. They get a taste of the high life during peak season where they all get stuffed with restaurant meals and big white cocks. If you come in off season you can fill this void! It’s the right thing to do! Give back to the local community :p

Where to stay.

I would recommend staying in two locations. One would be in General Luna. It’s a little town with a small harbor, a fish co op , a market for produce. School shops and quite a few small bars. There are plenty of girls living in this town for you to enjoy!

It’s also close to the most famous party on the island called the jungle party. This happens every Friday night. It’s in a large outdoor area and it’s very unregulated. If you’re so inclined it’s easy to get hold of drugs there.

Even though there’s no records of foreign people being busted for this, I don’t recommend taking the risk. There are also underage people attending this party so make sure to ask for ID and most definitely NEVER go with a girl under 18 in the Philippines. This is something they take very seriously.

One surfer was arrested and thrown in jail on Siargao for dating a 17 year old. The hotel he was staying at somehow got him released. He was very lucky! Just don’t be a pedo bear. Play it safe folks!

The other option is to stay right near the main surf break Cloud 9. They have various resorts there on the beach. I recommend staying at 101… You can get a full beach front, top floor, air conned suite for 50 bucks a night! By far the best value I had in the Phils and I got one at the far end away from the restaurant. It was nice and quiet… I’m a fussy sleeper and I was stoked.

I was leaning back in the deck chairs on the deck at 25 to 30 degrees….laid back….taking in those tropical vibes watching those sun sets……oooooooo yea. If you’re on a really tight budget there are small little rooms with a fan around the side for 25 a night. I don’t recommend these rooms. I recommend you pay the extra and get something you can get tropical in.

expat living in the philippines siargao island

If you are a real stooge and you don’t want to pay much at all you can get in some houses half way between the surf break and the town. People that own houses there rent all the rooms out on a monthly basis for considerably cheaper. I don’t really recommend this as it would be quite easy to get your stuff stolen. I’ve heard reports that opportunistic theft and petty crimes are on the rise in Siargao.

As for eating…

The food here is actually pretty good for Philo standards. Those of you who have read my comments will know I think standard food in the Philippines is bottom of the barrel dog slops and not fit for human consumption.

There are quite a few foreign chefs living on the island. There is even one French guy that owns Kalinaw Resort 100 meters away from Cloud 9. His food is quite high quality and will cost you between 10 and 15 bucks a meal.

The meals in the regular resorts generally cost around 5-6 bucks and are decent…especially by Philippines standards. I recommend the Kinilaw (a raw fish salad). I never got sick from it.

In town there are cheaper options to eat but most of them are downright seedy. You can find a feed there from 2 to 3 bucks. One restaurant on the outskirts of town named Ronaldos does skewered and marinated meat/fish/chicken/squid freshly grilled for a dollar a pop… I really liked this place and indulged in a big zinc power up from all the squid sticks to rejuvenate my empty krum!

They have some cute waitresses at this restaurant too. I bantered with one but sadly when I asked her age she was 17 so that was a no go.

Ok….. and on to the girls…..

I would say they are some real hotties there. Just as good as what you’d see walking around the mall in Cebu except that they don’t have the expensive outfits to show themselves off to full advantage.

There’s plenty of them walking around in the day and working reception/cleaning/ waitress jobs in all the resorts etc etc. So if day games your thing you shouldn’t have to go to far before you find something to interview.

I don’t think they are huge on using dating sites, (maybe tinder took off) but one thing I could recommend is type in a common Philippines name and then type in Siargao island on Facebook.

Once you find one girl on there you can find many more by looking through her friends list. I’ve found Filo girls to be quite receptive to strangers requests in comparison with other countries. That’s what I did. I pipelined myself a slut off Facebook and I met her on my second night there.

On the third night I got balls deep. This chick was less than 5 foot tall, probably weighed somewhere around 40 kg and fucked like a pro. She told me she enjoyed watching porno. It had really paid off! She liked to get one hand cupping your figs and another working your shaft while her mouth hoovered away on your head with magical amounts of suction!

She could always coax an extra load out of me just when I thought I was done for the night! Her high performance sex skills where her only positive attribute. She was a chronic liar and a real parasite.

She wanted to hang out all day but I made up excuses about wanting to go surfing and made sure I kicked her out late at night or really early in the morning so I didn’t have to buy her breakfast and lunch.

Her conversations put me to sleep too, so I couldn’t bear the idea of hanging out with her all day. Just buying her dinner every night and a few drinks for a maximum of ten dollars had an outstanding ROI in sexual festivities! I nicknamed this girl Slutguts!

Another option for picking up girls is the 101 bar They have a bar separated from the resort on the other side of the road so that the party goers don’t interrupt the sleeping bandits.

The girls that go here are not prostitutes… but they are basically like free hookers… they are really hardcore sluts that just hang out looking for some foreign cock… and you don’t have to pay them!

There was one local girl there that did hook! and they all bad mouthed her. All the other girls that hang out there take on just as many cocks only they don’t get paid. Hahaha I think the hooker is smarter than them.

Once or twice a week they have a bikini party! They have a stripper pole up on the stage and some of these girls can MOVE. Who’d have thought out in some remote tropical island some little villager would be putting Miley Cyrus to shame with her twerking skills.

One girl there had a particularly big round butt and boy did she know how to move that thing. She was dating some old Rocky that was paying for her to go through school.Β I’m telling you…. This guy looked liked like a reptilian predator!

Anyways… It goes to show. In twenty years time when I’m old I’ll still be able to spoil myself with fresh 18 year old fevers! Ahhhh the single mans paradise is looking good!!!!

There was even a tiny 19 year old cleaning girl at the resort that said she’d had a 60 year old boyfriend before! She was sooooo small….Only a little bigger than a dwarf but with everything in perfect proportion. The thought of some 60 year old drooling all over her petite perfection after popping a blue pill was quite disconcerting!

Another option for girls is of course all the backpackers and rich filipino girls from the big cities that holiday in the resorts. Plenty of them getting around! I just found that the local girls are a whole lot less work!

Most backpacker girls will go to the previously mentioned jungle party so if that’s your thing you can compete with the local guys trying to pick up a backpacker (or maybe a rich girl from Manila if you’re lucky). There are lots of local girls going to these Jungle parties too.

Other things to do.

In addition to surfing there is snorkeling and diving on coral reefs…. various waterfalls and tidal pools etc to swim in…… drunken buffalo rides which bogans enjoy going on and numerous other outdoor activities to enjoy.

Sadly the joint is becoming more commercialized and it’s changing at a rapid rate….So enjoy it while you can. People say it will be just like Bali in twenty years time…. Crikey! Paradise lost!

Siargao Island, Philippines – Women Rating 3.5 / 5

This high rating is due to how easy they are to get into bed and their highly sexual nature ( they are natural performers) rather than the looks. There are cute little LBFM there but they are simple village people and not exactly glamorous. ( In all of the Phils it’s very difficult to come across stunners. This is the land of the 6s. )

Siargao Island, Philippines – Cost Of Living Rating 3.5 / 5

There aren’t that many great options for the hardcore budget bandit that will only be there short term. But if you’re willing to spend 80 dollars a day, this will be more than enough to have you staying in a beach front resort and paying for you and a lady friend to eat in the restaurants.

Also have a couple of drinks plus a few moto cab fairs each day. I dare say you could do it with reasonable style with a fair bit less but 80 dollars a day and you’d be guaranteed.

Siargao Island, Philippines – Quality Of Life Rating 3 / 5

I dropped a point due to the lack of infrastructure and the fact the power and internet drops out almost daily for short periods of time. This is a place to unwind from modern day stresses. Lean back and just enjoy those tropical melodies.

I’d say quality of life on the Island for an average tourist with money to spend would be 4/5 and the quality of life for the residents living in the slums would be a 1 out of 5. Heavy stuff!!!!!

Siargo Island Philippines – Single Mans Paradise Rating 10/15

Thanks for tuning in guys!

-Swiss